Mountains of dysfunction becoming known about his current marriage. Maybe that means giving her the opportunity to explain where you promise not to say a single word, even after the conversation is over. But I robbed myself of a lot of the time I could have had enjoying him because I was so worried about the future. Let your actions be determined by what is happening now. First, before I give any advice, let me just say that I felt sick for this man and his wife in reading this email. Remind her of that fact. Focus on your emotions, not your judgments Often when we see people we love making bad decisions our first instinct is to try and save them. Impossible to have forgiveness without repentance. Usually it stems from an inner brokenness—maybe a desperate fear of being alone, or maybe shame and inner turmoil about the fact that she started the relationship in the first place. This daughter may have convinced herself that this man can give her what she wants in life. We try to change their behaviour, make them do the things we want them to do and stop doing the things we know are dysfunctional or sinful. Do you go to the wedding? Today, what do you do? The continuum of recommended responses is overwhelming. The way to break this is to create more cognitive dissonance.
Remind her of that fact. Instead, when you must talk about it, make the conversation about you. The way we fix that is by altering either our thoughts or our actions. For example, maybe she wants a husband who is attentive and dedicated and a real family-man so she can have a lovely family with him. And thoughts are a lot easier to change than habits. Have you ever had to deal with a loved one making a bad decision? I think sometimes in our fear we let our minds race into the future, and that makes us panic even more. Usually it stems from an inner brokenness—maybe a desperate fear of being alone, or maybe shame and inner turmoil about the fact that she started the relationship in the first place. Hard to have fellowship without forgiveness. Would be interested in your perspective. And that may be really scaring her. Both were preparing for ministry. Instead of flying into a fearful rage, really sit down and try to understand where your daughter is coming from. How did you handle it? Every Monday I like to post a reader question and take a stab at answering it. Very little recognition of the pain being caused to everyone involved. Maybe that means giving her the opportunity to explain where you promise not to say a single word, even after the conversation is over. It breaks my heart that these messages really are not uncommon. They may have plans to marry, but they are not married yet. Let your actions be determined by what is happening now. First, before I give any advice, let me just say that I felt sick for this man and his wife in reading this email. The continuum of recommended responses is overwhelming. And it can give a person enough courage to stop harmful behaviours. A dad writes, I am soliciting advice and perspective for a 20 year old daughter in love with a married father of 2. This daughter may have convinced herself that this man can give her what she wants in life.
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